Mario's Drug Addiction
by X2
Summary: A magazine feature article that goes in-depth with Mario's dangerous drug habits and tries to ascertain the roots of the mushroom fiasco. Chapter III has been uploaded.
1. Mario and Luigi: Childhood to First Audi...

Author's note: All characters and games mentioned belong to Nintendo. You suck. Go to hell. Period.  
  
  
Mario's Drug Addiction  
  
Chapter 1 - Mario and Luigi  
  
I cannot exactly recall how old Mario was at the time, but I vaguely remember an event when Mario put his own brother in the sack and beat him. Wait a minute…now it is coming back to me…I think at that time, his friends consisted of a blue Yoshi, a yellow Yoshi, and Bowser in his early stages as the notorious Baby Bowser.   
It was raining that day and the roads were slick with water. People were walking around sheltered from the oncoming rain thanks to umbrellas. Yes, umbrellas were big back then…I remember a time when…wait a minute…we are talking about Mario's drug habit…  
Anyway, it was raining that one somber afternoon when Mario tricked Luigi into going into a sack. I do not exactly know how, but Luigi was idiotic back then. Anyway, Mario and Bowser tied the sack so that Luigi's head would be the only part of his body free from the restraints of the sack. Then came the beating. The Yoshis bounced on Luigi's head while Mario kicked him around. Bowser was standing idly by laughing like a hyena. Anyway, this continued for around twenty minutes. After Mario was done, they abandoned Luigi to go play hopscotch with some nudists down the streets. Anyway, a group of neighborhood "bullies" gathered around Luigi, still tied up in the sack, and commenced to beat him. I had a great time observing all this from the bedroom windows.  
  
Well, sir…that was quite interesting. Please tell us more.  
  
Well…I am sure Mario and Luigi would not like me to reveal much about their personal lives…  
  
Please…  
  
Well…I guess one snippet would not be such a big deal…  
Anyway, Luigi came back to the house that night with a divine hatred dedicated to his brother. Ever since then, Luigi would be skulking around in his room most of the time trying to figure out how to obtain vengeance on his brother. For the next two years, I barely saw the young kid. I mean, he would wear those same green overalls, never changing into any of his new green overalls or even washing the green overalls he kept on wearing.   
It was scary, but one day, he came out of his room. I was just walking up the steps when I heard the door burst open with Luigi's ominous being standing in the sunlight with a sadistic expression visible on his face. I stared Luigi straight in the eyes and moved out of the way as he was making his way downstairs and out of the house. I think he came up with a plan for vengeance.  
  
Thank you, sir, for this interview.  
  
No problem. Wait…don't you want to know how Luigi is tied to Mario's drug habits? Is that not what you came here for?   
  
No thanks. I think we will go to the primary source rather than the secondary source.   
  
  
*  
  
Mr. Luigi Mario…is that how to pronounce your name?  
  
No, just Luigi.  
  
All right…I'm sorry…so tell us about the experience you had with your…only sibling.  
  
…Well…  
  
(A brief pause)  
  
You could say the bond me and my brother shared back then was one of sadness and violence.   
  
Is the rumor true?  
  
What rumor?  
  
That you made Mario…how do you say…high?  
  
…Well…   
  
(A brief pause)  
  
Mario got hired to play the hero in Donkey Kong. Just before filming began, I introduced Mario to mushrooms. The bad kind.   
  
*  
  
(Before filming of Donkey Kong started)  
  
Luigi: Mario, how are you?  
  
Mario: Not-a bad-a, if you know what I-a mean.  
  
Luigi: No, I don't…but anyway…look at what I got.  
Mario: What the hell-a is that!  
  
Luigi: Let's just say it's some good shit.  
  
Mario: I don't know…  
  
Luigi: C'mon, Mario, try some. Here, take one.  
  
Mario: Well, all right. (Takes some shroom)   
  
Ten minutes pass…  
  
Mario: This stuff is good. I feel bigger…hey…I am bigger! I'm twice as big. And I don't have that high-pitched Italian accent anymore.   
  
Luigi: Told you it was good.   
  
Mario: Now Pauline can't make fun of my small prick anymore…  
  
Luigi: She sure can't…wait a minute! What?! Pauline can't…(cut off by Mario)  
  
Mario: Umm…thanks, but I think director Miyamoto is calling my name!  
  
Luigi: Wait! What are you doing with Pauline?! I thought she was my girlfriend.  
  
  
  
*  
  
(Back to the interview)  
  
Yes…I did get Mario hooked. He stole my women every single time when we were growing up. First, Megan. Then, Sonia. And then, Pauline. You know, it just pisses me off. Oops, sorry…cannot curse. Anyway, it made me angry. While he was the popular jock at school, I was the ass of my school. Mario and his gang would always just shove me around and call me names. Mario was never defending me in school.   
No…I do not want to bring up those memories again.   
Anyway, that day was the best day of my life. I ruined Mario's life for good!   
  
Well, sir…we will leave you to calm down for now. Thank you for the interview.  
  
  
  
  
*  
  
So, Mister …  
  
Please, call me Father Mario.  
  
So, Father Mario, we have come back to you.   
  
Yes, yes…did I tell you about the time Mario beat Luigi in a sack?  
  
Yes, you already did. In fact…you will see it in next month's issue. Anyway, we come to tell you that we interviewed your younger son, Luigi. According to him, he was incited to get revenge on his brother. Therefore, as you can easily predict, he got Mario obsessed with the drugs known as shroom.  
  
Hmm…I know he was the reason by Mario's ghastly shroom addiction. At the same time, I would not blame him as he was incited. I mean, Mario was the bane of his existence back in his high school years. Mario was the cute one, the exceedingly intelligent one, the athletic one, the suave one, you know what I am saying.   
Luigi, on the other hand, was neither one of those. Instead, he was a slow and skinny child; the only advantage he had in his physical features was that he was tall. Yes, that is it. In fact, he is double the height of Mario, if I am correct. However, that does not mean Mario cannot give him a good…well…let us just say…an ass whooping'. Luigi got his pale white ass kicked everyday. Once when I accidentally walked into the bathroom while Luigi was taking a shower, I saw Luigi's bare naked body. Not a pretty sight, mind you, but the aspect of his body that appalled me the most were the shoe imprints left on his rear cheeks. You understand what I am saying?  
  
I have a vague idea, sir…  
  
Well, let us just say Mario would make his mark on Luigi every time he would hurt or mar his brother in some way.   
  
Quite…interesting…  
  
Is it not, my good friend?  
  
What?  
  
Well, anyway, you came here for stories. So let me tell you one back when they were trying to put their foot into the new industry of video games.  
  
  
*  
  
(Audition for role of hero in Super Mario Bros.)  
  
  
Shigeru Miyamoto: Welcome. One of you will be a future video game idol.   
  
Actors (excluding Mario and Luigi): What the…! Whatever…yeah right, it's not possible…I'm only doing this to feed my family…(expletive)…You gotta be kidding me, Miyamoto…fuggedaabudit…(expletive).  
  
Shigeru Miyamoto: Yes, well…if you are not up to the challenge of becoming a worldwide icon, please leave the stage.   
  
(Everybody leaves snickering at Miyamoto except Mario and Luigi)  
  
Miyamoto: Well, I see only you two plumbers are left.  
  
Mario: Mexico.  
  
Miyamoto: What?  
  
Luigi: Do not listen to him, he's on shroom.  
  
Mario: Yo momma.  
  
Luigi: Fuck you, too. You dumb shit…  
  
Mario: Tell yo momma she better be on those birth pills cause I don't want her having my baby.  
  
Luigi: My mother's your mother too.  
  
Miyamoto: Enough!  
  
(The brothers fall silent.)  
  
Miyamoto: Mr. Toad, please come on out here.  
  
(A short prickly toad comes out. This toad is named after his species, it turns out. Apparently, he is very young, as no wrinkles or blemishes are noticeable on his vibrant expression.)   
  
Toad: (clears throat) I will be reading lines to you. You improvise on the spot. You know what I mean, right? You will think up of your own lines and respond to what I said. Remember, your speaking skills will also be evaluated. You dare stutter and it's over for you.   
  
(Mario and Luigi shoot quick glances at each other to indicate a deep feeling of nervousness and fear inside them to one another.)  
  
Toad: The green plumber! You will go first. Are you ready? Here we go!  
"Oh, Hero, our princess is gone. Whatever will we do?"  
  
Luigi: (In his deepest voice) "We will brave the onslaughts of the evildoer's minions and the evildoer who kidnapped the Princess. The Princess will be safe in the kingdom soon tonight!"   
  
Mario: Yo momma.  
  
Luigi: Why you…!  
  
(Miyamoto stands up to give Luigi a one-man ovation)  
  
Miyamoto: Bravo! Tremendous! Artfully said! You're a shoo-in! However, your brother has to go next. We cannot be too sure unless every actor is evaluated by our standards.  
  
Luigi: D'oh!  
  
Miyamoto: Well, Mario. It is your turn.  
  
(Mario quickly turns around and pulls out something…something mushroom-shaped.)  
  
Miyamoto: Mario, what are you doing there?  
  
(Mario quickly runs to the side of the stage behind a blood-red curtain. Within a couple minutes, he returns much to Toad's as well as Luigi's and Miyamoto's bewilderment. Mario's eyes quickly turn a crimson red as he tries to utter a statement. )  
  
Mario: Nothing, just stage fright…yeah, stage fright…  
  
(Miyamoto wonders what Mario is up to, but quickly dispels the thought.)  
  
Miyamoto: Well, go on, Toad.  
  
Toad: (Clears his voice in a frightful manner)  
"Oh, Hero, our princess is gone. Whatever will we do?"  
  
(Mario, fearful of what to say next, quickly reaches down into his back pocket and pulls out something sharp.)  
  
Mario: Die!  
  
(With a machete in hand, Mario runs to Toad and juts the great knife in Toad's upper chest, near his/her right shoulder blade. Toad falls on the ground screaming like a little child. Blood seeps out of him onto the wooden stage.)  
  
  
  
*  
  
(Back to the interview)  
  
And so, that is how Toad nearly died one day.  
  
But, sir, this interview is dedicated to learning more about Mario's drug habits, not how Toad nearly died.  
  
Yes…well, Toad nearly died due to Mario's drugged state.   
  
Well, I suppose we are done with you for now.  
  
Wait, I have many more stories.  
  
About Mario?  
  
Yes. About Mario and his affair with Ruth Bader Ginsburg.  
  
I am sorry, but we are not contacting you for any more interviews.  
  
  
  
*  
  
Hello once again, Luigi.  
  
What do you want?  
  
We want to learn more about the cold relationship you share with your brother.   
  
Cold? It was much worse than cold. Sometimes…if he were to die, maybe then would I accept that God (Lord Yamauchi) does indeed exist. I might have ruined his life, but I still cannot help thinking how he ruined my life. I just imagine at times that I was the true star of Super Mario Bros. instead of him. If I was, imagine the fame and power and the fans. If only…  
  
If you do not mind us asking, did not your brother stab Toad at the Super Mario Bros. try-outs? How did he secure the position of the hero then?  
  
Well, I guess you did not hear what happened after he stabbed Toad.  
  
  
*  
  
  
(At the hospital after the stabbing of Toad)  
  
  
Luigi: Toad, can you hear me? Can you see me? Can you?!  
  
Toad: Yes…  
  
Luigi: Well…that's a relief. The doctors have saved your life! Do not move. You lost gallons of blood…  
  
Toad: Gallons?!  
  
Luigi: Well, it's a figure of speech.  
  
(A doctor walks in the door. The doctor is wearing a dirty white coat with a surgical mask as well as surgical gloves.)  
  
Toad: Oh, thank you, Doctor. Bless you.  
  
Luigi: Yes, once again, may Yamauchi bless you.  
  
Doctor: …  
  
(An awkward silence fills the room.)  
  
(…)  
  
(…)  
  
(The doctor slips off his white coat as well as his surgical mask. It's Mario)  
  
Mario: Die!  
  
(Mario once again pulls out a big machete and stabs Toad. Toad lets out a girlish scream as blood gushes out of him.)  
  
Luigi: Well, you done it again, Mario. I hope you're happy.  
  
Mario: Die!  
  
(Mario chases Luigi with the machete. Luigi sidesteps out of the way, causing Mario to stab thin air and fall down. While Mario is recovering from the fall, Luigi uses this to push Mario out a nearby window, hoping Mario would die a quick death. As he looks down the window, he sees Mario plummet to what seems like his death. Luigi's face cracks a huge smile as Mario's head is about to come in contact with the hard sidewalk.   
Is this the end for main character of the legendary Mario series? No, of course it cannot be. He goes on to star in many Mario games after the original one. So what happens to him? It so happens that a floating Yoshi saves him. Mario safely lands on the green Yoshi's back; the Green Yoshi floats off with the maniacal plumber.)  
  
Luigi: What the…! How is it possible? Damn those evil Yoshis!  
  
Toad: Help…E.R…  
  
Luigi: Shut up, Toad, I'm thinking.   
  
(Luigi then runs out of the room)  
  
  
*  
  
  
(Back at the interview)  
  
And so that is the story of how Toad nearly died one day.   
  
Oh my dear…   
  
What? 


	2. Mario and the Yoshis: The Addiction Take...

Author's note: You guys continue to suck. And Nintendo, look at the note at the beginning of the first chapter.  
  
More Author's note: Ooh, a bad review. Bad writing style? Crappy plot? Ouch. Yup, that hurts…well...not really. Seriously, just give your honest opinion of the story. I don't know whether the reviewer of the flame (not to name names here, but it's quite easy to find out) was honest or not, but I'm betting she was. However, the writing style was pretty damn simple to understand and the plot is very basic. If it's not your cup of tea though, than either flame me or don't review. Remember that this is more a jab at the characters and their limitless potential at wreaking havoc and a look at Mario's shroom addiction. Remember, this is TAKEN from behind the scenes. This is not during the games at all. So of course the characters are OOC. After all, Robert Downey Jr. in real life is completely different from Robert Downey Jr. on the camera.   
  
  
Mario's Drug Addiction  
  
Chapter 2 - Mario and the Yoshis  
  
At least from the deli window, the clouds looked beautiful and the sun was brightly shining. It is just one of those days you think you will easily forget, yet cannot. The sun had that unforgettable hue, the airplane's blue interior was quite cozy as well as luxurious, and the airline food, for once, was not disturbingly rotten or cold. Yet, one thing kept popping up on my mind. It was the potential main hero for our game, Mario. When I first glanced at this guy weeks before the Yoshi incident, all I saw was some portly white man. His red overalls were quite spiffy, his hair was nicely combed, and his overalls were freshly ironed. Seemed like a decent fellow, I thought.   
Before the incident on Yoshi's Island, I invited Mario to a nearby deli where we talked the day away. Everything from women to our game was discussed aggressively between the two of us. By the end of the day, Mario looked really tired. You know when a person's eyes are half-shut and he (or she) makes idiotic comments from time to time that he (or she) is tired. What could I do? I decided to go home and wished Mario a restful night's sleep.   
Before I left, however, I saw Mario sneak quietly in the bathroom. I did not know why or what, but I left anyway, knowing my wife and kids are expecting me. The next day, the deli was burned down. Word got around in the studios where we filmed the game that Mario himself scorched the restaurant down to its sizzled state. As to this day, I am pretty sure nobody knows who really set that deli ablaze in fire.  
  
Interesting, yet, what about Mario stabbing Toad twice?  
  
That came after the restaurant incident. It was a very freaky incident for me as well as the other actors. I mean, never before in video game history has a secondary hero been stabbed twice in the same day by a potential hero actor.  
After the stabbing incident, people decided to keep their distance from Mario. The lead actress, Peach, quit shortly afterwards. We used some cheap substitute by the name of Toadstool to fill in for Peach. What a hoe…  
  
Sir, please…  
  
I'm sorry…  
  
It is all right. I am sure our readers will like to take a break from Mario and learn more about you, who is established as a video game icon.  
  
Yes, yes, well…I have gotten old now. I guess the old proverb is very true though. The older you get, the wiser you become. Lately, I have been developing my English. English is most definitely not common to the famous Great Turtle species. If you notice in my earlier games, all I do is grunt and run. Now I actually speak, such as the case in Mario Sunshine. Alas, that is all I really am up to. Soon, I will quit the Mario series. I am getting too old. I can barely move, such as the case in Sunshine, and I cannot cope with Mario anymore.  
  
Really?  
  
Yes. Mario has become unbearable, even through his countless times he's been in rehab.   
  
By the way, you were going to detail us on the incident on Yoshi's Island?  
  
Yes…sorry, I must have droned off onto the deli event.   
Well, halfway through the filming of Super Mario Bros., Mario left suddenly. We do not know where, but search reports claimed to he was on Yoshi's Island. You see, Mario befriended some Yoshis a long time ago. We do not know how, but he just did.   
  
  
*  
  
  
(At Yoshi's Island halfway through filming of Super Mario Bros.)  
  
(Mario is butt-naked except for his "M" hat. Standing with the different-colored Yoshis, he patiently waits for a jet-blue helicopter to arrive at a heart-throbbing speed. Indeed, the grizzly helicopter does come within fifteen minutes of his wait, landing in a small runway formed by some once-stranded Toads. The desolate runway soon leaves trails of the dust as the helicopter makes a rough landing along the unevenness among the ground. As soon the helicopter touches the very dirt of the island, the famous actor known as Bowser and the director, Miyamoto, jump out. Mario confronts them in an eerie manner, similar to leaders of different lands facing each other for the first time.)  
  
Mario: Hoes…  
  
Miyamoto: Now Mario, calm down. I am sure something can be done about this.   
  
Mario: Where is Toad?  
  
Miyamoto: Right here…do not worry, he is here as you requested.  
  
Mario: I do not see him.  
  
(Toad comes out straggling on crutches down the helicopter ramp to the trio as they converse. The Yoshis stare at him a way a lion would look at wounded prey.)  
  
Mario: Toad! Glad to see you are all right! Come here and let me give you a hug!  
  
Toad: No!  
  
(Toad quickly runs back in the plane. A hesitant Miyamoto shoots a glance at Bowser as to initiate a plan of attack. With the glance on his director's face, Bowser quickly jumps Mario, trapping him under his scaly sculpture of a body. The Yoshis start beating on Bowser. Making deep and irregular clucking noises, they stomp on Bowser, hoping to let their human companion go of his scaly grasp. Mario somehow pulls out his machete out of his hat. Yes, somehow, he stuck a whole machete within his hat. With as much precision as he can possibly fathom, he throws the machete. Intended for Toad, the missile-like machete misses and instead hits a nearby tree. So much for Mario's accuracy. Meanwhile, Bowser is getting pummeled by more and more Yoshis as his grip tightens on the naked Mario. Mario desperately squirms out, as his crotch area especially was rubbing up against the rocky ground a little too hard. With a tremendous roar of power, Bowser shoots the butt end of his spikes out of his shell, making the spikes longer than ever. The Yoshis inadvertently stomp on the spikes, impaling themselves. The other Yoshis that were hesitant from stomping now retracted their fallen allies from the spikes and carried them off to some distant village dedicated to and formed by the Yoshis. Mario, in all this time, has given up to the impenetrable grip of Bowser, succumbing himself to the spiked turtle in order for relief to his crotch area. Bowser slowly eased his grip as Mario laid on the ground motionless now.)  
  
Miyamoto: Listen; let's get him on the helicopter.  
  
Bowser: All right…as long as his dangling "thing" does not touch me in any way.   
  
(Bowser lifts Mario by the ankles and holds him in such a way that the rest of Mario's body is dangling a good feet away from Bowser, similar to how a doctor holds a newborn baby when he or she is born.)  
  
Toad: I'm scared…Don't get him near me!  
  
(Toad runs back in his small "hiding corner" in the helicopter, scared of the maniacal plumber. Miyamoto ascends the ramp to the insides of the flying vehicle while Bowser slowly carries Mario to it, making sure to keep Mario's male-specific organ a good distance away from his green body.)  
  
Bowser: Damn Brooklyn plumbers and their crazy drug habits.  
  
(At the sound of drugs, Mario's eyes burst open. His eyes were of a crimson color, as if blood was flowing over them. As Bowser nears the ramp, Mario notices the machete actually landed near the ramp after hitting the tree. With a rabid look on his face, Mario squirms quickly out of Bowser's grip of his ankles and rushes after his machete. As he picks up his steel-gray machete, insanity begins to flow through his body as his hunt for Toad has left him more bloodthirsty than ever before. Bowser's eyes light up in a fearful manner as Mario prepares the machete for a quick stabbing.)  
  
Bowser: Mario, calm down.  
  
(As Bowser nears Mario, Toad comes out of the helicopter and descends the ramp to the ground.)   
  
Toad: You know what? I have to conquer my fear…where is Mario?  
  
(Toad comes to a sudden halt as soon as he sees Mario with his dusty machete in hand.)  
  
Toad: Mario…how nice to see you!"  
  
Mario: Why, Toad…what a surprise. Come closer.  
  
Bowser: Now, Mario.  
  
(As Mario turns to Bowser, Bowser has seen that Mario has undergone rigor mortis due to Toad's appearance. Bowser, eyeing the monster on Mario's crotch, decides to step back in fear. Mario lunges at Toad as Toad uses all his strength to get back in the helicopter as quick as possible. As Mario rapidly climbs the ramp to the helicopter entrance, a figure stands in his way. A figure with shining hair, a green dress, and a sword that gleams brightly in the sunshine. Wait a minute…Link.)  
  
Link: Sorry, Mario. I cannot allow you to hurt Toad. You will pay for even daring to.  
  
(With a sudden cry, Link charges Mario. Mario does the same to Link. Every bug, tree, cloud, rabbit, and any other beings stood still to watch the glorious fight. Well…it was not much of a fight as expected as Mario quickly stabbed Link in the kidney area and left him bloody on the ramp.)  
  
  
  
*  
  
  
(Back at the interview)  
  
And so, I managed to separate Mario from Toad after he stabbed Toad twice in the helicopter. It was ugly, but Miyamoto managed to fly the helicopter to a nearby island resort and get Toad and Link to a clinic. As for Mario, I shoved and crushed him against the seat, than sat on him, paralyzing him for the whole journey.  
  
I see…  
  
Yeah. Kind of sad of how Toad got stabbed yet again. Poor thing. If only I was there in time. Oh well. It does not really matter. After all, he…  
  
Excuse me, but why did Toad even agree to come to the island?  
  
Me, Miyamoto, and Link, who was the hero of another one of Miyamoto's series, promised him that we were there to protect him. We just wanted him so we can persuade Mario into trusting us so it would be much easier for us to attack him.  
  
I see…  
  
Yes…what the hell is it with you and your "I see…"  
  
I do not know, but I definitely do not have the time for this anymore. I think I know who I am going to interview next.  
  
  
  
*  
  
  
Mr. Toad?  
  
I'm sorry; Toad does not live here anymore.  
  
Please, Mr. Toad, we know it is you in the disguise of an old lady.  
  
Shhh…come in…do not tell anyone about this. The information can get sent to Mario.   
  
What the…? Mario is still chasing you?  
  
Yes…please, sit down.  
  
(The interviewer from Mush Magazine sits down)  
  
Mario has not gotten off his shroom habits yet. Last time he tried to stab me, I narrowly escaped. But two people were fatally wounded.   
  
What are you talking about? We heard nothing of the sort. In fact, we hear Mario defeated his addiction months after the release of Mario Kart for the Super Nintendo.  
  
So that's what you hear. But he got back on after Mario Tennis. We needed to cover it up so parents would not mind buying their children Mario games. After all, if parents were to hear their sons or daughters' idol, Mario, is hooked on drugs again, we will lose business. It was bad enough once word got out of Mario's shroom addiction around the third installment of the Bros. series. We nearly lost half of our business thanks to that damned…fuck.  
  
Please, sir…  
  
No, I admit it. I hate that damn plumber. Every chance he gets, he stabs me, beats up on Luigi, curses Bowser and his children, tries to molest Peach, or give everybody "special" presents around Christmastime. One time, he gave me his…his…crap!   
  
Molest Peach, you say?  
  
Yes. Every damn time, he would slap Peach's ass and grope her breasts. We all tried to protect her from him, and Nintendo was forced to give up half their profits in order to make her stay for several more projects with that bastard.   
  
Care to enlighten us with an event?  
  
Yeah, all right. One time…  
Wait a minute…what was that?  
  
(Toad cares to go to his door and checks outside. The interviewer writes one word down on his notepad.)  
  
Something…no, not Mario. Please, leave my apartment. When you do, say "Thank you, Mrs. Feldman, for the cookies."  
  
Uhh…sure.  
  
(The interviewer leaves the apartment. Toads puts on his/her grey hair wig and graces the doorway.)  
  
You come back now, you hear?  
  
Thank you once again, Mrs. Feldman, for the cookies.  
  
(With that said, our interviewer goes down the hall towards the staircase that leads to the entrance side of the majestic apartment building. As soon as he is out of sight, a figure creeps from out of the shadows towards "Mrs. Feldman's" apartment door. He speaks in a sly and discreet manner.)  
  
You cannot hide from me forever, Toad.   
  
(The figure then pulls out a machete out of one of his cargo-like pockets.) 


	3. Mario and Pauline: A Child in the Fray

Author's Note: I do not own anything Nintendo-related 'cept the story.   
  
More Author's Notes: I love reviews. Do not care if it is a flame or not, I love reviews. That does not mean you have to flame this story, though. Honest reviews, everyone.   
  
Mario's Drug Addiction  
  
Chapter 3 - Mario and Pauline  
  
Hello, readers. This is the man behind the "Mario's Drug Addiction" report as well as the man of interviews. I am making a quick note that I am at a hospital where famous Mario-related characters have gathered to pray for their friend, Toad, who was stabbed violently just a couple hours before. Now, I have found my next victim to undergo my needle. The character known as Princess Peach.  
  
*  
  
Hello, Ms. Peach.  
  
And you are?  
  
I am on behalf of Mush Magazine and am here to pray for your friend as well as uncover more information on the infamous drug addiction of Mario.  
  
What? Exactly what are you looking for?  
  
Well, miss, it's all for the pursuit of…  
  
Wait a minute? Are you telling me at such a sad time that I am supposed to give you information on some creep who…  
  
Please, miss…  
  
No! Don't…just don't…  
  
I am sorry, truly, I am…  
  
My friend's in there…  
  
(Peach starts crying hysterically. Luigi comes to seize the arm of the interviewer and take him away from the broken Peach.)  
  
Listen, you want a story?  
  
Yes, I do actually.  
  
Then I'll tell you a story, but only if you promise to not bother Peach anymore…  
  
(Bowser goes to console Peach as more tears stream down her face and form small circular puddles on the floor. The interviewer looks at Peach in a kind, but pitiful matter. Looking back at Luigi, he makes a gesture that basically states that he agrees, but does not like the agreement he just acceded to at all.)  
  
Glad to see you agree. Listen…you want princess stories? I got one that took place in this hospital many years back that involves Pauline and her newborn baby.   
  
Her baby? We have heard rumors involving a baby involved with a Mario Bros. character.   
  
Well, to confirm it, yes, Pauline had a baby. I'm sure she would not mind right now…especially since she is in Saharasara.   
  
What?  
  
I will tell you about it later, but right now, here is the story.  
  
  
*  
  
  
(At the hospital sometime after the incident on Yoshi's Island)  
  
  
(Luigi waits patiently for Mario as Miyamoto and Bowser show up to the entrance.)  
  
Luigi: What? Where's Mario?  
  
Miyamoto: I don't know. We checked everywhere. The studio, his apartment, bars…  
  
Bowser: I went to some human strip clubs, but did not find him anywhere.   
  
Miyamoto: Yeah, Bowser searched in this one strip club for one hour.   
  
Bowser: Yes…search…  
  
Luigi: Bowser, I thought you had a wife…but that is not what's important…Mario…  
  
Miyamoto: Luigi…calm down. Listen, you search for him while we check on Pauline.  
  
(Luigi breathes a sigh as he walks past the director and Great Turtle. The entrance doors slowly open automatically as he finds his way to the outside of the hospital. Once outside, he snorts and spits. What could Mario be doing? Maybe he is at one of the whorehouses. Maybe he is at one of his local drug dealers. Maybe he just took some shroom and wandered off….wandered off…No.)  
  
(At Toad's apartment)  
  
  
(Toad, who recuperated fast from the Yoshi's Island stabbing, was quaintly organizing what to wear for the next several days when he would have several interviews lined up. As he was looking at an elaborately designed tie, the closet made a small creak. Not your average creak, but a small one. Seems odd, right? Well, Toad glared at the closet for a little while, but then returned to organizing his ties when something in the closet clattered and tittered against something else. With a scrutinizing eye, Toad carefully kept one eye on the small closet and one eye on his nicely decorated ties. His curiosity overtaking him, he slowly tiptoed to the closet, which was supposed to be dormant.)  
  
(Not so dormant anymore now that Mario popped out of the closet looking dazed with those crimson red eyes. He took one look at Toad, quickly entered the bathroom, heaved on the floor, and collapsed in his own bile. Toad, meanwhile, was screaming girlishly.)  
  
  
*  
  
  
After Mario collapsed, Toad had to…  
  
(A doctor comes from a nearby hallway and motions to Peach. Luigi abruptly stops his story and motions for the interviewer to come with him to sit near her. Doing that, the interviewer than takes out a notepad with the word "paranoia" on it. He only used this rather plain notepad for quick notes on each of his victim's behavior. Anyway, he underlined the word "paranoia" and made a short little arrow that led to empty white space. On that space, he wrote "consistent". The doctor looked at them all as he was about to declare Toad's condition to them.)   
  
Doctor: Well…I am sorry…but your friend might die if we do not find somebody with O negative blood for a blood transfusion.  
  
(A brief silence overtakes the Nintendo characters as they focus on what was being said to them.)  
  
Peach: No…it cannot be…  
  
(With Peach's response, Bowser lifts up a leg and stomps it on the ground, nearly destroying the very foundation of the hospital. The visitors nearby huddled together in fear.)  
  
Bowser: Of course…  
  
(Bowser turns around, pulling out a cigarette within the confines of his great shell. Lighting up the cigarette, he takes a whiff. Extracting the part of the cigarette from his mouth, he then blows much smoke, much to the dismay of the nearby doctor.)  
  
Doctor: Please, sir, you must put that out. Smoking is not prohibited on hospital property.  
  
(Bowser, glaring at the doctor, throws down the cigarette and steps on it with his massive leg, relinquishing it of its very smoke. The lobby shakes once more as all the visitors nearby stare at Bowser with horror. He then stomps off to the entrance doors to the great outdoors and the massive parking lot of the rather gloomy hospital. Our interviewer of course runs after the disgruntled Great Turtle.)  
  
Sir, may I please question for a couple moments?  
  
…  
  
Back there, you said an interesting statement. Do you mind repeating it so we can clarify it to our readers?  
  
…  
  
"Of course…" Was it not your statement?  
  
Yeah…that was it.  
  
Why did you say that? Did you know about this?  
  
Yeah.   
Mario keeps playing us like we are mere fools. You know, the whole world thinks of Mario as some sort of great icon when they do not know the real truth.   
  
Which is?  
  
Don't you know?   
  
The shroom?  
  
Yeah…that…that is the truth. We only know about it. Yet, we are forced from saying the truth cause of the contracts we sign. You know…it's hard to keep it bottled up within you.   
  
I understand.   
  
You know that I have been here two times before on account of Mario's actions? This is the third time.  
  
Two times you say?  
  
Yes…once when Pauline was giving birth and the other when that annoying Star Kid from Paper Mario "accidentally" died.  
  
Child birth, you say? Possibly Mario's child?  
  
Yeah…it was his child.   
  
  
*  
  
  
(At the hospital)  
  
(Paramedics rush in, one carrying the body of Toad over his shoulder. A doctor rushes nearby to check on the poor Toad.)  
  
Doctor: What's wrong?   
  
Paramedic: This Toad…he fainted. Near him, we found some plumber that has fallen unconscious in his own vomit.   
  
Doctor: Where's the plumber?  
  
(Nearby, two paramedics were struggling in carrying the overweight plumber into the hospital. The doctor goes over to check on Mario. First, he checks his pulse rate. Than his heart. Than his eyes. What the…? Crimson red eyes…)  
  
Doctor: Admit this victim into the drug therapy ward. For the Toad, leave him in Minor Care.  
  
  
  
(An hour slowly passes as Mario opens his dry eyes. He beholds the sight of his own brother near him.)  
  
Luigi: There you are.  
  
Mario: Faggot.  
  
Luigi: I am pretty damn sure you don't know shit about Pauline's condition.   
  
Mario: My son? Yeah, that's right…I impregnated your momma. She gave birth yet?  
  
Luigi: Mario…just shut up. You know Pauline?  
  
Mario: Yeah…  
  
(Mario yawns. As Luigi goes on to explain the fling between Mario and Pauline, Mario quietly falls into sleep. His face looks relaxed and innocent when in complete repose. Luigi takes a minute to gander at his sleeping brother once he notices Mario has fallen asleep. After a couple seconds pass, he looks at a nearby spare pillow. A devilish thought penetrates through his head. Luigi quietly picks up the pillow. With full force, he smashes the pillow on Mario's head, relinquishing his own brother of a supply of oxygen. As Mario comes to his senses, he squirms about trying to release himself from the pillow of death. Luigi, feeling his own grip against the pillow weaken, starts punching Mario as hard as he could through the pillow. Making full contact with the middle of the pillow, Luigi repeatedly punches the pillow with all the strength he can muster of himself. With every punch landed, Mario makes a strange grunt sound as if he is mocking Luigi for his weak punches. It really was Mario's desperate screams, just muffled due to the pillow. Anyway, Mario settles down as a lack of oxygen and constant beating in the face starts to take its effects. A wicked smile begins to form on the corners of Luigi's lips as Mario slowly stops squirming about. Finally, the plumber famous for his countless rescues of the damsel-in-distress stops moving.)  
  
Luigi: I'm…I'm…sorry…damnit…sorry…  
  
(A couple minutes pass. With a sad look on his face, he walks away, mortified at his recent actions. He thinks about what he had done, and the memories he had with his brother. Memories that date back to early childhood to even audition tryouts for Super Mario Bros. Looking back at his brother, though, his sad frown turns into a huge smile in an instant. But how?! Luigi ascends Mario's bed and dances right on top of his brother. It seems as if a wicked presence took over the injured soul of Luigi. With every smile and step, Luigi's physiognomy became more evil. Laughing aloud and being boisterous, he wanted the whole world to know of the freedom he has attained. The freedom he once though was impossible to grasp. What is that freedom? The freedom to have sex with his girlfriends without them being violated by Mario first. Well, also the other freedom to not be overshadowed by his brother anymore.)  
  
  
*  
  
  
Anyway…It was much to the bewilderment of Luigi to hear that Mario recuperated…I was in the hospital at the time, but just was waiting around in one of the hallways that led to the lobby of the maternal ward. I heard about this through Miyamoto, who actually saw…  
  
(An alarm suddenly blared as every emergency light in the hospital flashed red. Over the many announcers present in the hospital came a phrase repeated over and over: "Code Red! Code Red! Code Red!" And so on. The interviewer and Bowser ran into the hospital, hesitant on what to expect. Running inside the hospital, the interviewer sees every visitor running about yelling of a "man with a machete" in the hospital. Immediately, Bowser sprouted his spikes and, in a fierce manner, roared about. Luigi whipped out a pistol from his saggy overalls. Peach donned a small dagger from her enormous bosom.)  
  
Code Red! Code Red! Code Red!  
  
(Our favorite interviewer whipped out his notepad. Only the first page was decorated only with two words. Both were connected with an arrow. He crossed out the second word, which was "consistent", and wrote "highly dangerous.")  
  
(Out of a hallway barged the world's best known doctor, Dr. Mario. Yes, Dr. Mario. Apparently, Dr. Mario came from another world; another world where each person in this current world was emulated, but with different personalities. For example, Dr. Mario is a noble doctor who treats patients for free while Mario is…well, you should know by now. Anyway, coming through a warp pipe into our world, he treated patients here with zest and megavitamins. These megavitamins cured anything except for the pesky mutagen viruses that populated Game Boy Land for quite some time. However, he soon eradicated that land of the viruses and risen to fame in a similar style to Mario's rise.)  
  
(Anyway, Dr. Mario came rushing out a nearby hallway into the hospital lobby when the interviewer entered the hospital. Guards were all about, shouting orders as well as many different kinds of obscenities. The famous doctor shouted to Bowser, who responded with an angry roar. As visitors flooded out of the hospital, guards searched restlessly for the "man with the machete." Doctors eventually stormed the lobby trying to get out of the hospital. One such doctor, though, staggered around. His eyes were crimson red. The interviewer immediately yelled out "Mario!" as Dr. Mario prepared one of his poison tablets. Luigi cocked his pistol, Peach brandished her dagger, and Bowser stomped on the ground with a fury similar to that of an earthquake.)  
  
(With a skill no other doctor can dream of possessing, Dr. Mario shot a small green tablet at the drugged Mario. The tablet fell to the ground, but quickly bounced up to imbed itself into Mario's chest area. The plumber shrieking in pain, his knees started to fail and he slowly descended to the ground. With a heavy sigh, our plumber hits the ground pretty damn hard.)  
  
  
(Hours later…)  
  
Dr. Mario…it is an honor to grant us an interview under such conditions.  
  
No, no, it is no bother. It is almost impossible to stop the press when they are on a mission.  
  
Yes, that is true. Good joke, sir. Anyway, we would like to know more about your…other-world counterpart, Mario.  
  
Yeah…I figured you would want to ask about that…well…if you talk to the other Nintendo characters I'm sure they can tell you much more than I can.   
  
We know…but perhaps you have some experience with Mario you would like to share with us.   
  
Well…my first incident with Mario was with Pauline's baby…  
  
  
*  
  
  
(At the maternal ward)  
  
  
(Peach and Toadstool were standing waiting to hear news about their friend, Pauline. Having undergone childbirth was not easy, and doctors said it was very difficult for Pauline to even give birth to the child. Anyway, one of the doctors came out of the surgery room, forgetting to take off his surgical mask and gloves.)  
  
Doctor: I am happy to say your friend has made it through the surgery.   
  
Peach: Oh thank you…oh Yamauchi…  
  
Toadstool: So…feeling lucky, Doctor?  
  
(Peach jabs Toadstool right in the soft area near the kidney. Toadstool immediately shuts up. The doctor, finally noticing his surgical apparel was still on, took off his mask and gloves. First, he took off his gloves, revealing his whitish hands. And then he took off his mask. As he did, the girls were shocked. Toadstool screamed while Peach whacked the poor doctor down to the ground.  
  
Peach: Mario! You delivered Pauline's baby?!  
  
Doctor: Well, yes…Miss, please stop that!  
  
Peach: You monster! You first impregnate Pauline and now dare lie to me?  
  
Doctor: How did you know my name is Mario?  
  
(Peach continues her beating while visitors try to free the good doctor. Eventually, a husky Toad separates the maniacal Peach from the good doctor. The doctor tidies himself up, takes out a pill, and shoots it at Peach, who falls unconscious from it. Toadstool, meanwhile, was feeling up the husky Toad that first seized Peach. Everybody else was quietly talking to each other over what just happened as the doors to the maternal ward burst open. Who else burst them open besides Mario…followed by a furious Luigi with a pillow, Bowser, and Miyamoto. Running in a hilarious fashion, Mario runs rampant around the maternal ward, looking for somebody. But who? Who could be giving birth that could be of some importance to the plumber now? Well…I think I just answered my own question. Mario finds his way into the surgery room where Pauline is lying, motionless. With a childish smirk, he jumps and tackles her off the bed, landing right on top of her on the ground. Quite the rude awakening for Pauline.)  
  
Mario: Bitch, where's my baby?  
  
Pauline: You owe me child support!  
  
(With that line, Pauline spits in his face.)  
  
Mario: You spit in my face, you dumb hoe…  
  
(Mario gets off the ground picking Pauline up with him and slaps her to the ground again.)  
  
Mario: Don't be such a naughty bitch now.   
  
(Pauline desperately tries to crawl from Mario. Near the doorway, a whole audience has gathered, including the doctor who Peach assaulted.)  
  
Doctor: Please, stop doing this!  
  
(Mario looks up to see the doctor eye-to-eye. A few seconds later, his whole face turns pale and his heart skips a beat. Can it be…?)  
  
Mario: Who are you?  
  
Doctor: Dr. Mario of the land of Saharasara, but that is not important. I implore you, good sir, to let that woman go!   
  
Mario: Imposter!  
  
(Mario unleashes his machete, ready to stab the innocent doctor, when Luigi and Bowser step into the room. Seeing the weapon Mario has in his hand, Luigi tries to think up of a ploy to keep Mario busy.)  
  
Luigi: Oh, Bowser, get Peach, Toadstool, and Toad in here to see this.  
  
Mario: Toad! Where?  
  
(Mario, now hysterical at Luigi's mentioning of Toad's name, rushes out of the room, the crowd parting a pathway for him to leave the room in search for Toad. Indeed, he finds himself in the waiting room of the maternal ward, where Peach is being subdued by the husky Toad, and Toadstool is feeling up that same Toad. His bloodthirsty manhunt turns into anger as he sees no Toad. But wait…who pops into the maternal ward at the inopportune time but Toad, who was just released from his stay at the hospital from falling unconscious in his apartment.)  
  
Toad: Where is Daisy?  
  
(Alas, Toad looks around the room until his gaze meets Mario's sadistic gaze. With a scream that can rival even the strongest screamer on this planet, he runs out of the room as Mario follows him with the shiny machete in hand.)  
  
(Five minutes later…)  
  
(Mario is being manhandled to a police vehicle by some guards while a bloody Toad is being carried by Luigi and Bowser to the emergency care section of the hospital.)  
  
  
*  
  
  
Anyway, Mario was out on bail that night. He just happened to stroll by the hospital again and stab Toad. That time, though, Mario was allowed no bail. He served a sentence of six months for five attempted murders as well as time in rehab for his shroom habits. Also, his brother, Luigi, served time for being a "drug dealer."  
  
Why? Did he sell drugs?  
  
No, he just introduced Mario to the drugs in the first place.   
Eventually, they became cell mates and it got messy. Let us just say that matters got so rowdy in Mario and Luigi's prison that they had to move Mario permanently to his rehab center to separate him from his brother.   
  
I see…mind enlightening us with another event.  
  
Well…I am a doctor…I got patients…  
  
I am sorry to even bring it up. Please accept my apologies. Here, take my business card; whenever you have time to talk, please call me.   
  
I will.  
  
All right then. 


End file.
